Tuesday, May 20, 2008


I think that one of the most crippling emotions one can feel is fear. Not just a fear of spiders or the dark but fear of confrontation, disapproval, disappointment, and loss. Fear can consume a person without their consent or knowledge and once they realize it is happening, it can even escalate. 

My biggest fear, and thus my most prominent struggle, is not being in control. I am a perfectionist. I plan EVERYTHING. I'm not kidding. I have been working on packing my room and I actually have a list of all of the things that have been done and all that needs to be done. When I am not in control or something seems impossible, I try absolutely everything I can to plan. I think of every scenario, every outcome, how I will cope, and what I can possibly control in the situation. It's horrible and exhausting. I sometimes get physically exhausted from trying to control everything. 

It's funny though. Take your fear and ponder it for a while. Why are you afraid of that? Why do you hold onto it? What will happen if the fear occurs? What is the worst that can happen? What has happened in the past involving that fear? 

When I think about not being in control, I think about the relief it must be to not have to ponder every aspect of every decision and situation. That would be wonderful. I also know that everything ALWAYS works out. Amazing how that happens. 

So when you are consumed by or even just know you have a fear in the back of your mind, just think about it and determine whether it is worth your health and sanity to fret over it. 

Saturday, May 17, 2008

My disappearance

I have basically disappeared off the face of the planet over the last couple of weeks. To be honest, I pretty much was in another planet at Fort Benning, GA.

Ben, my husband, returned from Iraq on Wednesday, May 7th at 11:10 p.m. Well, that was the time his plane landed. We all had to wait two and a half hours longer to see them. It was annoying but so worth the wait! I planned on leaving that Sunday but could not bring myself to it, plus there were some things we needed to take care of together. So I stayed until last night, Friday May 16th. Knowing my husband is in the states, and I'm not with him is almost worse than him being oversees, now. But we are moving in a couple weeks and there is a lot to be done. Plus we will be in NY for one of those weeks.

As I'm typing this, I'm covered in primer from painting my bathroom. I can not wait to have a house of our own where paint can stay on years instead of months. That would be wonderful! Needless to say I will probably NOT paint our next apartment. It was nice to have color instead of white but I think an accent wall will suffice. Back to it!!!