Rediscovering Me

Having a baby changes things, period. I like to tell myself that its not much different than when it was just my husband and I, but it's not. I was blessed with a great baby. She sleeps A LOT and she's pretty calm most of the time. My hubby and I still go out from time to time and we still spend a lot of time with each other. Instead of racing off to work 45 minutes away every day, I get to roll out of bed, grab my munchkin, roll back into bed, let her eat and drift off for another hour or 2 before the day really begins.

Being home with her is really quite lovely. Being home to take care of the house and try new recipes is also wonderful. But now that I pretty much live from feeding time to nap time and play time, who am I? What is my identity? I'm a mom and a wife, but who am I as a person? What am I doing for me?

I don't want to become a robot. I don't want to get frustrated or go stir crazy. I don't want to lose myself.

So my goal this week is to take 30 minutes each day for me. I'm not talking about T.V. time or computer time or cooking out of enjoyment. I'm talking about brewing a cup of coffee or pouring a glass of wine and soaking in a steamy bubble bath, or reading a good book, or journaling. Being still.

Even though you or I may enjoy cooking, baking, cleaning, feeding, bathing, and all of our daily tasks taking the time for ourselves is SO important. I'm going to forget about the dishes and the laundry for 30 minutes a day and relax. Hopefully in that time I will remember that I am still me. :)

Birth Story ...continued

(This is Part II. Click HERE for Part I)

20 hours... 21 hours...22 hours.......23 hours.....

(It's funny how when you go into labor you think, I'M GOING TO HAVE MY BABY TODAY. And then after 23 hours, you realize that's absolutely not the case.)

Around 23 hours my midwife came in and told me that they talked it over and I could go home with some Ambien... WAIT a second... I've been in labor for nearly 24 hours and I can go home? You mean... like a good hour or so drive in rush hour traffic... only to have no idea when the baby is actually going to come and turn right back around? Ummm.... I don't think so.

So I asked her about breaking my water so I could stay... She breaks my "bags of water" and although contractions get stronger, NO progression. (Can I just quickly say that that water is REALLY warm? I don't know what I was expecting, obviously baby needs warm...but it was a little surprising.)

Anyway... I think that got me to 4 cm. And around the 24 hour mark I gave up my quest for no meds. IVs it was! And pass out I did... well, that is for 2 minutes at a time.

SHIFT CHANGE

I'm pretty much passed out and can't comprehend anything at this point. New midwife comes in and talks for what seems like 30 minutes while I dose. She basically said I NEEDED the epidural and pitocin. I was so out of it, I just said okay. Do what you need to do.

I couldn't help but think something was wrong with me that I wasn't progressing. I was scared of infection... and I was scared of a c-section. My fear of the big needle went to the wayside.

Before I knew it my room was swarming with people. Tape and poking and prying at me while my husband and doula were cast aside. I wasn't allowed to move. How was I supposed to not move when no one was supporting me, I was drugged up and falling asleep, and people were pushing me? I don't really get it.

I fell asleep. For about 5 or 6 or maybe 7 hours.

Woke up in severe pain. Got an extra dose of epidural.

Midwife came in... checked me.... 10 cm! But baby still wasn't engaged.

An hour later I was pushing with the nurse. I guess I didn't know that you start pushing with a nurse before the midwife comes. I got to see my baby's head! I think that finally sealed the deal for me. He/she was finally coming!

I'm pushing, things are progressing,... nurse comes in... She needs to stop pushing and you need to come with me.

Yes that's right. I had to stop pushing. The most PAINFUL part of the entire process was when I needed to push and I had to stop. 30 minutes of that. TOTALLY sucked. Thank God my doula was there coaching me and even let me push with her a little.

I think after everyone in another ward heard me screaming in pain, they finally decided I needed help.

The midwife was still busy with another emergency birth, but the nurse was back.

Before I knew it the midwife was in there, head came out, and although I thought I was supposed to pause in order to avoid tearing. I was told to push. One of the nurses slammed down on my tummy (sticky shoulder) and out came baby.

They laid the baby on my chest and for a few moments I forgot I was supposed to look to see if it was a boy or girl. To my surprise... a little girl! EVERYONE's predictions were wrong.

She didn't cry or anything so they ended up taking her away pretty quickly. I remember hearing nurses comment about how big she was... Whoah, is that scale right? Yes... it was... 10lb 7oz

So in 36 hours I delivered a beautiful little 10lb 7oz girl sunny side up. :)

I am so thankful for my husband, my doula and good friend, and the midwives that helped.

Birth Story ...not what I expected

My due date had come and gone and I was getting anxious. Days went by where NOTHING happened. There were times I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with a child growing inside of me... Okay, I know that sounds crazy but when you're expecting to have your baby a little early and you watch day after day pass by with no signs of labor, you start to lose it a little.

The night was finally here. I had fairly strong, consistent contractions for a few hours each of the three nights before so thinking they may actually progress seemed far-fetched. The contractions pretty much started at 5 minutes apart. I waited a few hours before calling my midwife, just to make sure there was something to call about. They continued so I called and we decided I would call back once contractions were closer together and stronger. I tried sleeping, taking a bath, rolling on the birthing ball, swaying my hips,...not much was helping the pain but it was still tolerable. Once my contractions were 3 minutes apart and not so tolerable for a few hours I decided I needed to go in. After all, we live a good 40 minutes from the hospital and if I waited much longer, we'd be in morning rush hour traffic and I might have to have my baby on the side of the road.

We arrived at the hospital and they got us a labor room. Okay pause... They tried making me sit... They tried putting me in a wheelchair. I think 10 people asked if I wanted a wheelchair... And then the lovely escort walked like the speed of lightning. Even my long legged husband couldn't catch up. I think we were still in the lobby when she was at the elevator...

Anyway... once we arrived at the labor room they checked me and baby... 3cm dilated, 90% effaced, VERY strong contractions, baby responding well to them.

We walked around, tried several different stretches, my hubby and doula rubbed my back and feet,... I screamed in his shirt a few times,...

Several hours later... 3cm dilated, 90% effaced, VERY strong contractions,... Midwife scraped membranes so I didn't have to go home...

An hour later... Shift change... 3.5 cm dilated, 90% effaced, VERY strong contractions,... baby responding well.

New nurse sat with us and stared into space...also insisted on checking baby heartbeat every 30 minutes. EVERY 30 minutes... bear in mind that this nurse has a 12 hour shift... AND we had to be back from walks every 30 minutes. AND if I was naked in the shower trying to cope with the pain, she would still check me. (Oh, it's waterproof... Grrr...)

And also, she "told on me" to my midwife for eating french fries, lol. (I'd like to see her go nearly a day without food and a very difficult workout and not eat...)

By this point I had been in the hospital for 20 hours... and I was having VERY strong contractions that were clearly not doing anything. My hopes for a natural birth were slipping away by the minute....

(to be continued...)

Birth Plans are just that... a plan

Whether it is in writing or not, everyone has an idea of how they'd like their labor and delivery to go. Some know without a doubt they want the strongest meds they can get. Some want c-sections. While others desire to have a completely natural birth.

I wanted to go natural. Certain facts and rumors scared me.

Forceps and Vacuums.
After much research in high school and college about abortions and the use of forceps and vacuums, I didn't want that to be a thought at delivery. (Little did I know that they RARELY use forceps and vacuums anymore.)

The effects of meds on mom and baby.
I didn't want any meds to make me sleepy or loopy or affect my baby. Stories of people who had epidurals falling fast asleep right after delivery loomed in my head. I wanted to hold my baby and nurse as soon as possible.

C-section.
That might mean longer recovery time, scars, not being able to have my baby put on my chest, not seeing my baby for a while, and many other things that weren't for me.

It's sort of strange, but I wanted to experience the pain of having a child. I wanted to see if I could do it. It was a challenge.

There are millions of other thoughts that can go with a birth plan, from episiotomies to keeping placenta. Here's a quick run-down of my basic desires...

No meds.
IVs if absolutely necessary.
NO EPIDURAL (not gonna lie, I was scared to death of this thing)
No Episiotomy (Can actually cause more tearing and more recovery time)
Do everything possible to avoid tearing
Husband to cut umbilical cord
My doula and husband in the room with me
Labor as long as possible at home
DON'T announce sex of baby. Lay baby on my chest so that I can tell everyone whether he/she is a boy or girl.
As few checks as possible before and after birth
Baby to stay with me unless I requested he/she go to the nursery so I could rest
Delay eye drops
Don't do shots at hospital except Vitamin K
If boy, circumcise at hospital. Husband to be present.

All this to say, things didn't exactly go according to plan, but the end result was spectacular.

The end of the world as I knew it

Life as I knew it has ended. But I am beyond grateful for that. I have been blessed with the most incredible, beautiful, and intelligent little girl I have ever met.

I love my husband more than anything, but the love that I feel for my little girl is different. It blows my mind away that I can provide everything she needs. I comfort her, feed her, care for her,... I always seem to magically know what's wrong. I can't describe it.

Being a mommy is the most rewarding and challenging experience of my life.

Control: My Baby...my plan...

They say you learn that you are not in control after you have your first child. Although I have not yet had my first, I'm getting a small taste of this daunting statement.

I have been incredibly proud of myself throughout my pregnancy. Yes, I want nothing more than to hold my baby in my arms and look into his/her eyes but that has not made me anxious. I've really enjoyed being pregnant. Feeling life inside of me is like nothing I have ever experienced. It's indescribable.

And now I find myself in an entirely different place. I'm 3 days... just 3 days... past my due date and I'm starting to feel a little crazy.

I know that every pregnancy and every baby is different, but I had high hopes that mine would be somewhat similar to my mom's experiences. All 3 of us were at least 3 days early and she only labored for 7 hours with me, her firstborn.

Hey...one can dream, right?

There are few signs, if any, that labor is imminent.

Overall, I feel great, but my hormones are ALL over the place. One minute I can be patient and enjoy being pregnant and the next I'm super depressed and feel like something must be wrong with me or the baby.

At this point my baby isn't even engaged and I may have to be induced.

I'm learning that my plan to have the baby at a certain time and a certain way may not be possible. No matter how much I walk or how many herbs I try, I am not in control.

There is a time and place and plan for the birth of my baby, but it is not in my hands. I am not in control. Maybe if I just say that over and over and over, I'll get it... or maybe I still have a LOT more to learn....

I guess I still have a lot more to learn.

What's in a name?

My husband and I have been contemplating our child's name a lot lately. We've always known what we would name a boy but we just can't decide or agree on a girl's name. I think we'll probably go with a family name from his side but we're still uncertain of a middle name...

Anyway, as much as I want a girl part of me hopes that our first child will be a little boy. With the boy's name, we decided to honor two brave and honorable men who were killed in Iraq. One of them, in particular, was one of the best leaders any of the guys had or had seen. He was one of those people that no one had a bad thing to say about and everyone respected. He was a loving father and husband and somehow he even knew he wouldn't return to his family.

I wish that I had the opportunity to meet him and learn from him.

His wife is an incredible woman as well and she was one of the few who really understood what I was going through while my hubby was gone. Despite her loss she has continued to help many through tragedy and difficult times.

My husband wrote her a letter to tell her that if we had a boy, we would name him after her husband. She was honored and delighted and even messaged me several times to find out if we knew what we were having. :)