Sunday, January 24, 2010

Rediscovering Me

Having a baby changes things, period. I like to tell myself that its not much different than when it was just my husband and I, but it's not. I was blessed with a great baby. She sleeps A LOT and she's pretty calm most of the time. My hubby and I still go out from time to time and we still spend a lot of time with each other. Instead of racing off to work 45 minutes away every day, I get to roll out of bed, grab my munchkin, roll back into bed, let her eat and drift off for another hour or 2 before the day really begins.

Being home with her is really quite lovely. Being home to take care of the house and try new recipes is also wonderful. But now that I pretty much live from feeding time to nap time and play time, who am I? What is my identity? I'm a mom and a wife, but who am I as a person? What am I doing for me?

I don't want to become a robot. I don't want to get frustrated or go stir crazy. I don't want to lose myself.

So my goal this week is to take 30 minutes each day for me. I'm not talking about T.V. time or computer time or cooking out of enjoyment. I'm talking about brewing a cup of coffee or pouring a glass of wine and soaking in a steamy bubble bath, or reading a good book, or journaling. Being still.

Even though you or I may enjoy cooking, baking, cleaning, feeding, bathing, and all of our daily tasks taking the time for ourselves is SO important. I'm going to forget about the dishes and the laundry for 30 minutes a day and relax. Hopefully in that time I will remember that I am still me. :)

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Birth Story ...continued

(This is Part II. Click HERE for Part I)

20 hours... 21 hours...22 hours.......23 hours.....

(It's funny how when you go into labor you think, I'M GOING TO HAVE MY BABY TODAY. And then after 23 hours, you realize that's absolutely not the case.)

Around 23 hours my midwife came in and told me that they talked it over and I could go home with some Ambien... WAIT a second... I've been in labor for nearly 24 hours and I can go home? You mean... like a good hour or so drive in rush hour traffic... only to have no idea when the baby is actually going to come and turn right back around? Ummm.... I don't think so.

So I asked her about breaking my water so I could stay... She breaks my "bags of water" and although contractions get stronger, NO progression. (Can I just quickly say that that water is REALLY warm? I don't know what I was expecting, obviously baby needs warm...but it was a little surprising.)

Anyway... I think that got me to 4 cm. And around the 24 hour mark I gave up my quest for no meds. IVs it was! And pass out I did... well, that is for 2 minutes at a time.


I'm pretty much passed out and can't comprehend anything at this point. New midwife comes in and talks for what seems like 30 minutes while I dose. She basically said I NEEDED the epidural and pitocin. I was so out of it, I just said okay. Do what you need to do.

I couldn't help but think something was wrong with me that I wasn't progressing. I was scared of infection... and I was scared of a c-section. My fear of the big needle went to the wayside.

Before I knew it my room was swarming with people. Tape and poking and prying at me while my husband and doula were cast aside. I wasn't allowed to move. How was I supposed to not move when no one was supporting me, I was drugged up and falling asleep, and people were pushing me? I don't really get it.

I fell asleep. For about 5 or 6 or maybe 7 hours.

Woke up in severe pain. Got an extra dose of epidural.

Midwife came in... checked me.... 10 cm! But baby still wasn't engaged.

An hour later I was pushing with the nurse. I guess I didn't know that you start pushing with a nurse before the midwife comes. I got to see my baby's head! I think that finally sealed the deal for me. He/she was finally coming!

I'm pushing, things are progressing,... nurse comes in... She needs to stop pushing and you need to come with me.

Yes that's right. I had to stop pushing. The most PAINFUL part of the entire process was when I needed to push and I had to stop. 30 minutes of that. TOTALLY sucked. Thank God my doula was there coaching me and even let me push with her a little.

I think after everyone in another ward heard me screaming in pain, they finally decided I needed help.

The midwife was still busy with another emergency birth, but the nurse was back.

Before I knew it the midwife was in there, head came out, and although I thought I was supposed to pause in order to avoid tearing. I was told to push. One of the nurses slammed down on my tummy (sticky shoulder) and out came baby.

They laid the baby on my chest and for a few moments I forgot I was supposed to look to see if it was a boy or girl. To my surprise... a little girl! EVERYONE's predictions were wrong.

She didn't cry or anything so they ended up taking her away pretty quickly. I remember hearing nurses comment about how big she was... Whoah, is that scale right? Yes... it was... 10lb 7oz

So in 36 hours I delivered a beautiful little 10lb 7oz girl sunny side up. :)

I am so thankful for my husband, my doula and good friend, and the midwives that helped.