Saturday, September 24, 2011

The uninformed patient

Two years ago, October 21st, I gave birth to my beautiful daughter. I truly enjoyed my pregnancy with her, the good, the bad, and the ugly. In some strange way, despite all of the "ugly" that happened during my labor and birth, I enjoyed it as well. The pain was excruciating, but it had a purpose. I was about to meet the most precious gift I had ever received.

Fast forward to today and I still hold onto a lot of the trauma that occurred during my labor and delivery. Some things happened that absolutely should not have happened. One of the midwives who did not know me from Adam acted like an OB instead of a midwife. She didn't seem to care what I wanted and didn't even bother introducing herself to me. It would take a very long blog and maybe even a chapter in a book to explain what all went wrong; the unprofessionalism, lack of knowledge, lack of care. But for right now, I need to get one thing off of my chest about the delivery.

I had a prenatal appointment for my current pregnancy a couple weeks ago. My midwife, one that I really respect and trust and have connected with the most, sat me down to talk about my last delivery and strong desire for a natural birth. She informed me that my firstborn had shoulder dystocia, meaning that her shoulder got stuck under my pubic bone and they were close to having to break her collar bone. This could have caused my child nerve damage, paralysis, or brain damage due to lack of oxygen from being constricted. It all happened so quickly that I had no idea her shoulder was that stuck. The midwife should have told me what had happened while I was in the hospital. I should have known for my own sake, but also to look out for any nerve damage/lack of movement in her arm. But I wasn't informed. My midwife, during the appointment, also needed to let me know that because it happened with my previous child, it is more likely to happen again.

I was heartbroken and I spent the most of the next week or so crying. This was my labor and delivery. This was my body. This was my child. I had the right to know what happened and that it might happen again. Instead I had to wait nearly two years to find out. It makes me sick to think that a medical professional would not take the time to tell her patient what had happened to her and her child.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


Hi. My name is Danae and I am a perfectionist. I also have pride tied into my perfectionism which is not a very good thing.

Let me start by saying this...

My house is probably only clean clean 1za0% of the time. It's probably mostly clean 50% of the time. (Mostly clean meaning it would take less than an hour to straighten up the entire house.) The rest of the time it's messy.

I can't imagine anyone with a toddler can keep up with their house every day. Even though every single time I have been to a few people with young children's homes, they've been immaculate. They must have cleaning fairies or hire someone. I just don't think it's possible.

So a friend needed to pick up something from me today and I cringed at the thought of her seeing the piles of clothes or the random assortment of who-knows-what scattered across the floor from my toddler. I was just not feeling up to cleaning today after a busy day yesterday and she was at my house within 10 minutes.

I was exposed. Someone besides my husband and toddler saw my house in it's messy state. Once my friend was in the house, I was calm...but the parts leading up to it were incredibly scary for me.

I am not sure why I have this issue. I've always been the type of person who would tell people how I really am when they asked. I don't feel the need to hide emotions by saying "I'm great." If I say it, I probably mean it.

So why do I have this issue with people seeing that I can't always keep a clean house? I don't think anyone else really cares except me.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


If you know me at all or you have read my posts, you have probably figured out that I'm pretty high strung. I stress about pretty much everything and anything. And if I run out of things to stress about, I find something else. It's really quite awful and annoying. Lately, it's been worse than usual for no particular reason. Just ask my poor hubby who tries to tell me how ridiculous it is that I stress about the most minuscule things.

Today, for the first time in a long LONG time, I feel apathetic. I don't care that there is a laundry pile, half a couch wide stacked higher than the couch. I don't care that my lovely offspring has pulled apart the drawers in the bathroom or has found toys and has thrown them all over the living room. Or about the pile of styrofoam that used to be in the form of a cup when I gave my child popcorn yesterday. I don't really care that I haven't actually done dishes since yesterday or that it's already 7pm, and I haven't started dinner.

I'm not stressed for the first time in months. It's a beautiful thing.

Now if I could only bottle up this feeling and take a sip whenever I needed it. ;)

Monday, June 13, 2011

This mommy needs a break

I don't want to sound ungrateful. I love my little girl. And she is usually a really good baby. However, monster child keeps appearing and I REALLY don't like it. You know that whiny, everything needs to go my way or I will throw a fit behavior? Yeah... about that. I've tried ignoring, simply telling her that it was bad behavior, raising my voice a little, and the hand smack. Nothing works. She doesn't care. And this sort of constant behavior is enough to make me want to seclude myself on an island for a few days. Or in my case, my bedroom. Or maybe even the bathroom.

Am I the only one who finds the bathroom peaceful? I feel like even if I can just get in there for a minute, I can have complete silence. I guess this is something I never understood until I had a baby. When you're pregnant, the bathroom is sort of a place of comfort; a place to relieve that early nausea, a place to sit and not feel back pain for a few moments. It's where we run every hour or so in the middle of the night to relieve the pressure on our bladder. And it's a place where we can light a candle, listen to music, and not feel pain or pressure as we soak in a tub full of steamy water. You don't really ever think about how much time you spend in the bathroom until after your pregnancy or like me, when you just need those 3 minutes to catch your breath.

My sister stayed with me for a little while and she thought it was insane that I liked being in the bathroom or that I would go there to escape. My hubby still does not understand. But I guess it's one of those things only I have to get.

Do you have a strange place you like to escape to for a few minutes or more? Am I the only one who finds the bathroom peaceful?

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Friday, June 10, 2011


After years upon years of contemplating whether or not to join a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture), I decided it was time. Because of the price, we decided our best bet would be to split a full share with friends of ours.

Even though our farmer keeps telling us, it will get much better, I am SO happy with our decision to join. We are getting a variety of veggies that we eat often and a few that are different.

Can I just tell you that the taste of fresh veggies directly from the farmer is unlike anything I've experienced? I took some of the zucchini, summer squash, garlic scapes, and onion from this week's share, put them in a pan with a little olive oil, and let them do their thing. It didn't need anything else. The veggies were so flavorful and fresh. Mmmmm!

As for our garden...It is sadly filled with weeds that are taller than me; and I'm 5'9". My hubby and I agreed to go to town on it on Sunday. Since we're a part of the CSA, we've decided to only plant things I will can. So we will plant green beans, tomatoes, and cucumbers. I'm excited, but not looking forward to the weeding part.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Good week

This week, overall, has been surprisingly good; aside from some major back pain and laziness earlier in the week. I found out some great and exciting news from one of my closest friends, and I hit a goal today that I had no idea I'd hit!

I have not been eating very well lately and my workouts have been thrown out the window. Between our trip to New York and then some major back pain, I haven't been able to do much of anything. It stinks, but that is just how it is right now.

So, I begrudgingly decided to step on the scale. And to my surprise, the number had dropped. In fact, I have reached 20 POUNDS of weight loss! I feel like I have reached the other side. I still want to lose about 16 more pounds, but I know now that I can do it! I'm over half way there! I have all the right tools and I know what I need to do to get there. I'm able to make realistic goals for myself and keep off the weight!

The working out and losing weight also offers up a good distraction for other things that are going on... like the changes I talked about in my last post. I don't think I look that much different, but I feel leaps and bounds better than I did before I started losing the extra weight. Yay!

Another reason this week has been so good is because we were able to make another good size payment on my student loans, and after sitting down and doing some calculations I realized that we will definitely be able to pay them off by the end of September. (barring some sort of large and unexpected expense) That's just 3 months away! 3 months until we will be DEBT FREE! (minus the mortgage which we look at as an investment and not debt)

I'm feeling much lighter these days. ;)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

I thought I could handle change...

I always thought I was one of those people who didn't have issues with change. I moved from New York to Tennessee without thinking twice. I've adapted to several moves and significant changes without a problem. But now, things are different.

There are so many changes happening at once, and I am baffled. My sister not only got married, but is moving to VA for grad school. My other sister is graduating high school. One of my friends is moving to California. My sister-in-law is getting married and moving within the year. Two of my cousins are getting married within the year. The dynamics of life in TN and visiting our hometowns are about to change drastically.

On top of that, my little girl is no longer a baby. She is a little girl. She has so much personality, is absorbing everything like crazy, and can have short conversations. I know this is just something I have to learn to get over because the older she gets, the less she will rely on her momma and dadda. But as much as I love the fact that she chooses to hug and kiss me and can answer my questions, I miss being everything to her.

The more I think about it, maybe the problem this time is not the change, but the fact that the change is out of my control. I could change pretty much any decision I've made, but I can't control or change what others do around me. Not that I'd want to... I guess I just have to accept that things are different and move on.

If only it were that easy for me.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Mixed Emotions...Sister getting married edition

Today started out with cuddles from my sweet little E. What better way to start the day than cuddling your babe? Then I made some white whole wheat raspberry pancakes and we enjoyed them; E with her milk and me with my coffee.

I find myself avoiding the inevitable. My sister, whom I've only recently developed a really great friendship with, is getting married. I have to pack. I have to vacuum my car. I have to get ready. I have to go to Ohio and then on to New York. She IS getting married.

I shouldn't feel weird by this. Her and her fiance have been together as long as my husband and I. (A couple weeks longer according to my sister who doesn't let that slide.) Her future husband is a great guy and I'm so glad my sister has found her soulmate.

But despite all we have been through, how many fights we've had, and how many great memories we've made, she is still my sister. And my sister is about to make one of the biggest, best, most exciting, and scariest changes one can make.

Despite the weird feeling I have, I am thrilled for my sister and her fiance. I know they will make each other really happy and they've been looking forward to this day for a long time. I am so proud of my sister.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Silence is a beautiful thing

It's 4pm. The house is [mostly] clean, including scrubbed toilets which I try to do as infrequently as possible. The dogs are [actually] calm and sleeping on the floor. The baby is in her crib silently snuggling her buddy, and my husband is at work.

And I... I am in an over-sized hoodie on our super comfy recliner, resting.

Life is good.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I'm only human

There are days where I think being a female stinks. Days like today where my emotions are completely out of whack and I feel as though I have no control over them. I'm not a big crier by any means and I can't seem to make myself stop crying today. And honestly? I have absolutely no reason to cry. None. Whatsoever.

Stress has taken over my body and I feel helpless. I have been working so hard to get ahead because I knew this week would be a little overwhelming. I have kept up with my house, planted tomatoes in egg cartons, bathed my child, prepared all sorts of cake decorating stuff ahead of time, and yet I still feel as though I am three steps behind. The house... well it's a mess today. The yard hasn't been mowed in over 2 weeks due to the rain and us not being home/around/able to mow when it hasn't been raining. The garbage is overflowing and I can't exactly take the garbage to the dump when the garbage cans are full of water because the wind blew the lids off and the rain filled them. I hate putting nasty, muddy garbage cans in my new-to-me vehicle.

So there is all of that which really amounts to nothing if you think about it. And there is a LOT of positive. Like...

- I've lost 15 pounds and over 7 inches (probably over 10 now but haven't measured in a while)
- I've been happier and healthier
- God has really blessed us financially this month
- My sister is getting married in a few weeks
- My baby girl is...well... about as close to perfect as one can get
- I have a nice house, a newish vehicle, and a wonderful church
- I get to stay at home with my girl
- I have an awesome hubby

It's seriously time for me to snap out of it. :)

Monday, April 25, 2011

Easter and other news

It was an interesting Easter, to say the least. Our plans were changed and we had to adjust. Instead of making a home cooked meal, we decided to eat out. It was very relaxing and enjoyable, and I didn't veer too far away from my calorie goals! Blessing in disguise!

We didn't go crazy on the Easter bunny/egg stuff this year. I want E to know that Jesus dying on the cross for our sins is THE reason we celebrate Easter. I don't want there to be any doubt. However, in celebrating I think it's okay to let her hunt for candy and other goody filled eggs.

It's funny how kids just have an instinct about that sort of thing. My 18 month old knew just what to do! There was no teaching, she just went for it! Her momma and dadda were proud!

In other words... I think her and her dadda managed to dodge the crazy 24 hour flu(ish) virus I had on Friday. It was awful and it would have been a nightmare for my little girl. And as absolutely terrible as it was it pushed me closer to my first weight goal. (Bear with me here because it was the ONLY positive to being that sick.) Hopefully I'll reach that goal in the next 1-2 weeks!

Here's a photo I captured of my girl playing outside with her basket...

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


I have struggled with my weight for years. It's not that I've ever been incredibly overweight, but I never thought I looked thin enough. Now that I weigh more than I ever have, and look back at my old pictures, I realize just how small I was!

After having E, I went right back to my pre-pregnancy weight. However, I didn't watch what I ate because soon after she was born, we were into the holidays. Oops! Just because I was nursing and HUNGRY didn't mean I could eat whatever I wanted. I learned my lesson the hard way because not long after that I was on a medicine that made me gain even more weight.

At that time I was working out HARD and eating really well. No matter what I did I could not drop an ounce and instead found myself gaining. It made no sense until I got off the medicine and realized that was the cause of my problem.

At that point I was really frustrated with trying to lose weight. Nothing I did helped and I gave up. So I spent the better of 3 months eating what I wanted until I realized that if and when we decide to have another baby, I was already 16 pounds heavier than I was when I started with our first baby. Plus my sister was getting married soon and I didn't want my family and friends that I hadn't seen in a long time to see me the way I was. (Not that they would care, but I most certainly would!)

So I decided it was time to suck it up. I began doing research and asking a lot of questions to my husband and friends. I knew I needed a work out I could stick with and a diet plan that didn't make me feel like I was starving to death. I chose to do Jillian Michaels "30 Day Shred" and set my first goal for 30 days. It's only 20-25 minutes a day and I figured I could commit to that. I also began tracking everything I ate on "My Daily Plate" and following a diet plan. After about a week of the plan I realized that I didn't need a diet plan to lose weight. It's all about calories in versus calories out. I calculated EVERYTHING from the time I rested to that one bite of something I slipped in. I know that sounds anal, but I was/am so determined to get the weight off, that I felt as though I had to do that in order to lose it. The one week I tried to guess, I didn't get the results.

In under 3 weeks I had lost over 7 inches and 5 pounds. (Total from those 3 months when I would randomly try to lose a little I have lost 10 pounds!) As much as I want to drop 5 pounds a week, I know that I can keep the weight off and I am losing in a healthier way. I also know that by only losing 1-2 pounds a week, I'm losing fat and not muscle. It is so refreshing to see it coming off and not fluctuating! Once I hit a number, I haven't seen that number go back up! (Okay maybe throughout the day because water weight fluctuates but overall, it hasn't gone up!)

I'm 6 pounds away from my first goal and so pumped to see that number! Once I hit it, I will most definitely celebrate with ice cream! :) And hopefully by my sisters wedding at the end of May, I'll be 10 pounds lighter. ;)

I know it sounds like I'm obsessed with weight loss, and I'd probably agree, but I want to do this for my family. I want to have a good, healthy pregnancy and I don't want to keep my little girl from the beach because I won't wear a bathing suit. She is 18 months old and has yet to go swimming. :( I'm excited about the changes and looking forward to swimming with my little girl this summer and feeling comfortable in my bridesmaid dress!

Monday, March 7, 2011

Miracles still happen

A couple weeks ago, I heard some really tough and also wonderful news. My aunt told me that my cousin was pregnant, but in the same sentence she uttered the words "breast cancer."

During her first major pregnancy checkup, the doctor noticed a lump in her breast. After testing, they found out that she not only had breast cancer, but it was rapidly progressing. To most, this would be terrible news. But as scared as my cousin was, she quickly realized that this baby saved her life. She never would have known that she had cancer if it wasn't for that checkup. I can't imagine being in her shoes, but her outlook astounds me and brings me to tears. She has a miracle baby growing inside her. I can only assume that her relationship with that child will be extra special.

My cousin has already had surgery to remove the lump and her lymph nodes where they also found cancer. It had spread, but there are no signs of any other cancerous cells. She will have to undergo chemotherapy while pregnant so please keep her in your prayers.