Monday, November 16, 2009

Birth Story ...not what I expected

My due date had come and gone and I was getting anxious. Days went by where NOTHING happened. There were times I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with a child growing inside of me... Okay, I know that sounds crazy but when you're expecting to have your baby a little early and you watch day after day pass by with no signs of labor, you start to lose it a little.

The night was finally here. I had fairly strong, consistent contractions for a few hours each of the three nights before so thinking they may actually progress seemed far-fetched. The contractions pretty much started at 5 minutes apart. I waited a few hours before calling my midwife, just to make sure there was something to call about. They continued so I called and we decided I would call back once contractions were closer together and stronger. I tried sleeping, taking a bath, rolling on the birthing ball, swaying my hips,...not much was helping the pain but it was still tolerable. Once my contractions were 3 minutes apart and not so tolerable for a few hours I decided I needed to go in. After all, we live a good 40 minutes from the hospital and if I waited much longer, we'd be in morning rush hour traffic and I might have to have my baby on the side of the road.

We arrived at the hospital and they got us a labor room. Okay pause... They tried making me sit... They tried putting me in a wheelchair. I think 10 people asked if I wanted a wheelchair... And then the lovely escort walked like the speed of lightning. Even my long legged husband couldn't catch up. I think we were still in the lobby when she was at the elevator...

Anyway... once we arrived at the labor room they checked me and baby... 3cm dilated, 90% effaced, VERY strong contractions, baby responding well to them.

We walked around, tried several different stretches, my hubby and doula rubbed my back and feet,... I screamed in his shirt a few times,...

Several hours later... 3cm dilated, 90% effaced, VERY strong contractions,... Midwife scraped membranes so I didn't have to go home...

An hour later... Shift change... 3.5 cm dilated, 90% effaced, VERY strong contractions,... baby responding well.

New nurse sat with us and stared into space...also insisted on checking baby heartbeat every 30 minutes. EVERY 30 minutes... bear in mind that this nurse has a 12 hour shift... AND we had to be back from walks every 30 minutes. AND if I was naked in the shower trying to cope with the pain, she would still check me. (Oh, it's waterproof... Grrr...)

And also, she "told on me" to my midwife for eating french fries, lol. (I'd like to see her go nearly a day without food and a very difficult workout and not eat...)

By this point I had been in the hospital for 20 hours... and I was having VERY strong contractions that were clearly not doing anything. My hopes for a natural birth were slipping away by the minute....

(to be continued...)

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Birth Plans are just that... a plan

Whether it is in writing or not, everyone has an idea of how they'd like their labor and delivery to go. Some know without a doubt they want the strongest meds they can get. Some want c-sections. While others desire to have a completely natural birth.

I wanted to go natural. Certain facts and rumors scared me.

Forceps and Vacuums.
After much research in high school and college about abortions and the use of forceps and vacuums, I didn't want that to be a thought at delivery. (Little did I know that they RARELY use forceps and vacuums anymore.)

The effects of meds on mom and baby.
I didn't want any meds to make me sleepy or loopy or affect my baby. Stories of people who had epidurals falling fast asleep right after delivery loomed in my head. I wanted to hold my baby and nurse as soon as possible.

That might mean longer recovery time, scars, not being able to have my baby put on my chest, not seeing my baby for a while, and many other things that weren't for me.

It's sort of strange, but I wanted to experience the pain of having a child. I wanted to see if I could do it. It was a challenge.

There are millions of other thoughts that can go with a birth plan, from episiotomies to keeping placenta. Here's a quick run-down of my basic desires...

No meds.
IVs if absolutely necessary.
NO EPIDURAL (not gonna lie, I was scared to death of this thing)
No Episiotomy (Can actually cause more tearing and more recovery time)
Do everything possible to avoid tearing
Husband to cut umbilical cord
My doula and husband in the room with me
Labor as long as possible at home
DON'T announce sex of baby. Lay baby on my chest so that I can tell everyone whether he/she is a boy or girl.
As few checks as possible before and after birth
Baby to stay with me unless I requested he/she go to the nursery so I could rest
Delay eye drops
Don't do shots at hospital except Vitamin K
If boy, circumcise at hospital. Husband to be present.

All this to say, things didn't exactly go according to plan, but the end result was spectacular.

Friday, November 13, 2009

The end of the world as I knew it

Life as I knew it has ended. But I am beyond grateful for that. I have been blessed with the most incredible, beautiful, and intelligent little girl I have ever met.

I love my husband more than anything, but the love that I feel for my little girl is different. It blows my mind away that I can provide everything she needs. I comfort her, feed her, care for her,... I always seem to magically know what's wrong. I can't describe it.

Being a mommy is the most rewarding and challenging experience of my life.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Control: My plan...

They say you learn that you are not in control after you have your first child. Although I have not yet had my first, I'm getting a small taste of this daunting statement.

I have been incredibly proud of myself throughout my pregnancy. Yes, I want nothing more than to hold my baby in my arms and look into his/her eyes but that has not made me anxious. I've really enjoyed being pregnant. Feeling life inside of me is like nothing I have ever experienced. It's indescribable.

And now I find myself in an entirely different place. I'm 3 days... just 3 days... past my due date and I'm starting to feel a little crazy.

I know that every pregnancy and every baby is different, but I had high hopes that mine would be somewhat similar to my mom's experiences. All 3 of us were at least 3 days early and she only labored for 7 hours with me, her firstborn. can dream, right?

There are few signs, if any, that labor is imminent.

Overall, I feel great, but my hormones are ALL over the place. One minute I can be patient and enjoy being pregnant and the next I'm super depressed and feel like something must be wrong with me or the baby.

At this point my baby isn't even engaged and I may have to be induced.

I'm learning that my plan to have the baby at a certain time and a certain way may not be possible. No matter how much I walk or how many herbs I try, I am not in control.

There is a time and place and plan for the birth of my baby, but it is not in my hands. I am not in control. Maybe if I just say that over and over and over, I'll get it... or maybe I still have a LOT more to learn....

I guess I still have a lot more to learn.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

What's in a name?

My husband and I have been contemplating our child's name a lot lately. We've always known what we would name a boy but we just can't decide or agree on a girl's name. I think we'll probably go with a family name from his side but we're still uncertain of a middle name...

Anyway, as much as I want a girl part of me hopes that our first child will be a little boy. With the boy's name, we decided to honor two brave and honorable men who were killed in Iraq. One of them, in particular, was one of the best leaders any of the guys had or had seen. He was one of those people that no one had a bad thing to say about and everyone respected. He was a loving father and husband and somehow he even knew he wouldn't return to his family.

I wish that I had the opportunity to meet him and learn from him.

His wife is an incredible woman as well and she was one of the few who really understood what I was going through while my hubby was gone. Despite her loss she has continued to help many through tragedy and difficult times.

My husband wrote her a letter to tell her that if we had a boy, we would name him after her husband. She was honored and delighted and even messaged me several times to find out if we knew what we were having. :)

Thursday, May 28, 2009

I woke up early this morning and by early I mean about 30 minutes before I typically wake up. I'd tell you what time but you'd probably laugh in my face and tell me that's not really early. I'm sure I will finally truly discover early when the baby comes 5 months from now. I have a lot to learn. :)

My plan was to arrive to work before most got there so that I could begin catching up. I hate having projects and tasks lurk over me and there are about 4 hanging there right now. Not only did I arrive early, but I had time to stop and get breakfast. Maybe arising before I absolutely have to isn't such a bad thing?

So today will be filled with work and tonight will be rest. And hopefully I'll have a chance to finish a blog about the baby and maybe start one about the big wedding we had this past weekend.

Wedding crashers, fights, broken toilets... I have some stories for you. :)

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Doesn't someone know how to stick people with a needle? And I DO NOT have a disease....

I LOVE my Nurse-Midwife(ves). They are very intelligent and capable women. Some of them even hug me and nearly cried with me the first time I heard my baby's heartbeat. However, their support people need some help. Thus far they have yet to be able to successfully draw my blood.

The First time they tried, the lady chased my vein for a good 3-5 minutes before noticing that the veins on my hand stuck out and she could stick them easily. So.... she did... And she forgot to hold the needle in place so naturally, it jumped right back out and blood went everywhere. She tried again and drew the blood... FINALLY.

Later that week I received a very interesting call from the department of health. They started talking to me about Hepatitis B and if I knew that I had it and knew what to do or expect. Eventually I was able to get a word in and said "HOLD ON, What are you talking about?" I didn't have HepB. I'd had blood work done just recently and nothing like that came back and PLUS I had 3 shots so that I wouldn't get Hepatitis.

It's NOT a good idea to tell a newly pregnant lady that she has a disease.

Long story short, they messed up at the clinic and didn't draw enough blood to prove that the reason Hepatitis was showing up as positive was because I had the immunizations. They also didn't draw blood for other important things they were supposed to check. Needless to say I had to go back and get more blood drawn.

This time was even worse than the first. In fact, I'm pretty sure this lady had never stuck someone in her life. Why was she working there anyway? So she tries to stick me and puts the needle all the way through my vein. Then she kept wondering why my blood was only dripping out. Well, at that point they knew they busted the vein so they kept it there and watched the area swell the size of a baseball. Then they watched my arm turn purple and swell.

Afterwards, I got an ice pack and was told to sit there for a good while to keep the swelling down. I think I was also told I was going to bruise badly. At that point a bruise didn't bother me, but the fact that my arm was swollen and purple wasn't comforting.

After not hearing from them for a week or so I decided to call and find out what I already knew. I did NOT have Hepatitis B. And also, they have to draw blood again because one of the vials clotted. Just lovely. If those people think they are getting a needle within 5 feet of me anytime soon, they have something else coming.

Next Appointment... My first ultrasound.... Thank God it should be just with my nurse-midwife.

Monday, April 20, 2009

The reason I haven't been posting... It's good, I promise

Aside from work, being a wife, chasing 2 pups with soap and water, house hunting, and planning my big wedding, there is a really good explanation as to why I've been MIA lately.

You see, I found out not too long ago that I have a little one growing inside me! Yep, I'm 15 weeks preggers with my first baby! For some of you lucky preggo ladies, you can go about your daily business with little to no interuption. Although I can not say my nausea, heartburn, and migraines have been nearly as bad as some others, they have definitely been a struggle.

I am NOT superwoman as much as I'd like to be and therefore blogging sort of hit the back burner.

BUT now that I've hit my second trimester and I clearly have a few interesting things to talk about, or so I think, I hope to be back more often.

I will be back with a few funny stories of trying to hide the fact that I was nauseated for several weeks from my coworkers. Oh was it ever interesting.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


It's been a while... too long in fact and although I'd like to say I still think about blogging every day, I wouldn't be telling the truth. Life has become too busy and chaotic. But when I do think of it, I remember what fun it is to share my thoughts and dreams or to just attempt to make someone smile.

I will share more about the craziness that has ensued shortly... like within the month. And hopefully I will be back to post a little more regularly but for today I just need to use this as an outlet.

Last night I had one of those dreams... Those heart wrenching horrible, scary dreams that linger. When you wake up it feels real and its nearly impossible to shake. I wish I could make it go away right now although I know eventually it will.

My father, although a great man, is far from perfect and he's having a rough time right now. It affects the family more than he realizes, even from far away. But to dream that he passed on is too much for me to handle right now. There is too much unforgiveness and uncertainty surrounding him. I was hysterical in my dream and I awoke to feeling like I balled my eyes out all night. Hopefully this will soon go away but in the mean time, I'm debating on whether or not I should have a good talk with him...

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Reason number 592 I should not live in an apartment

Yesterday I came home from work to find a note on my door that said maintenance would be entering our apartment to install this this and this. Normally this is okay because normally they give you at least a week's notice. Not this time. The day they start entering apartments is today. Not okay.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Tuesday Update

A little update...

1. There has been an overabundance of poop in my midst as of late. No I am not hiding a baby in my apartment. But I do have 2 very mischievous pups who decided it would be a very good idea to eat 5 or so pounds of dog food while we were away one day. And of course I wouldn't have forgotten to put the food up before locking them in the bathroom with it.

Needless to say we came home to 2 very fat puppies who had made quite the mess. I'll spare you the details.

2. Wedding plans are going okay but are no where where they need to be. Partly because my mind is too full to think but mostly because I work 9 hour days and drive home and make dinner and then eat dinner and put it away... And by that time I'm either way too tired to move or it's time for bed.

3. I'm learning that work is That's really all there is to it. It sucks up time and a lot of it and during that time, you do your job. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind my job but going from working at home and a ton of flexibility to 9 hour days, 5 days a week is a lot... And I'm not adjusting well.

4. Jury Duty has been exhilarating thus far... I just call in after 6 and find out whether they need my panel or not. Haven't been called in yet.

5. My birthday is in a week and I think this is the first year I'm really not excited about it. I'm still young by most standards... but I am finally enjoying just being my age and its slipping away from me.

6. I have become horrible at keeping up with technology. I never respond to facebook messages, don't empty my email, and I obviously haven't blogged in a while... But I do miss it. a lot.

So really,... Nothing TOO exciting... at least that I can mention here at this point in time. But I promise if you stick around, you will have some interesting reading in the near future.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Long days are usually a bad thing

Today was a very long day where I accomplished next to nothing. This morning I woke up pretty sick with a sinus infection. I decided I HAD to go to work at least to complete one of my most important tasks and then go home. I made it until noon and was told several times that I needed to go home earlier. Pretty sure my face has blown up like a balloon and my eyes are sinking back into my head. It's really a painful process.

The whole point of going home was to rest, right? Well I tried... and tried... and tried... Could not fall asleep. Took some meds. Ate some soup. Could not fall asleep. Eventually I got up and did some things around the house because it's pointless to rest when you're restless.

I baked a cake for my sort of boss's b-day tomorrow. (No worries... I sanitized everything and washed my hands every 2.2 seconds.) And in the midst of sanitizing the kitchen, prior to the cake baking, our messed up pup decided to pee. And of course it wasn't just in one place. He peed on the floor in several places, on some paper, on my dustpan, on my shoe, on my husband's pant leg. (Yes, he was wearing the pants at the time.) It was just all bad. I keep trying to tell my hubby we can't live like this but he is insistent that we keep this dog.

A little background... We got him from a pound and are 99% sure he was abused. He was also an outdoor dog and has no problem being covered in pee and therefore likes to take opportunities to pee on himself in his crate.

Its really sad. I feel bad for the poor thing. But my patience is wearing thin and I am not home enough to retrain him.

Soon we hope to have a fenced in back yard. I think that will save my life. Well, at least the part about having to clean up after a pup all the time.

Monday, February 23, 2009

When life gets busy and boring...

Okay , let's face it. My life as gotten pretty boring. I get up at 6:30 or 7, leave for work at 7:30. Work 8-5. Get home at 5:30. Clean and cook. Watch a show with my husband. Go to bed and the day starts all over again.

I don't really have time for anything exciting and therefore nothing really exciting happens. Aside from not having time to blog, I really don't have anything interesting to tell you unless you care to know that I couldn't sleep last night because it felt like my tonsils were going to bust out of my throat. Or that every 5 minutes my hubby's dog felt the need to shake in his cage even after I yelled at him profusely. Or that I can't sleep on my left arm because I pulled something 2 weeks ago and it throbs when I fall asleep on it. But that still wouldn't be very interesting.

I'm hoping things will get a little more interesting at some point because all work and no play makes me a dull girl.

Any ideas on things I CAN blog about until life DOES get interesting again?

Saturday, February 21, 2009

25 things

1. I have been up since 5 am which NEVER happens except when I have to use the restroom.
2. I set 3 alarms to wake up and then usually reset them to sleep even longer.
3. I love blogging.
4. And I used to be fairly good at keeping up with it.
5. Then I got a new job which I absolutely love.
5. But never thought I would be doing something accounting related. I'll just keep telling myself it's business management.
6. Singing is one of my greatest passions.
7. I've never gone a day without busting into song at some point.
8. Usually my husband has to tell me what the actual words to the song are. He's like a walking Karaoke machine. And me? I just like to sing what I think the words are. It drives him nuts!
9. I haven't seen my husband on my birthday for 3 years. He was overseas for 2 of them.
10. I have the great privilege of marrying the most amazing man in the world twice. Our big wedding celebration is coming up.
11. I learned recently that I can not decorate in my head... Let me explain. I need to see the fabric, color, decorations, and move them and put them together. I can't just tell someone what I want...
12. I love to bake and decorate cakes.
13. But its on the rare occasion that I have the time anymore.
14. I've moved about 10 times in the last 4 years.
15. I like new places and new people, but I hate lugging all my stuff around.
16. I hate socks and wish I could go barefoot everywhere.
17. I also am not a fan of feet so in one way that poses a problem.
18. When I was 5 or 6 I missed the bus several times because I spent too much time trying to get my socks on so that the thread by the toe part didn't go under my feet.
19. I still hate when socks slide or the bump goes under my feet. Yuck.
20. I am a country girl at heart.
21. I would give anything to go four-wheeling on a muddy trail again.
22. I wish I could go everywhere on horse. No joke. Cars are just very faulty and expensive and in this area, DANGEROUS. I feel like I'm putting my life on the line when I drive around here. And horses are just really amazing animals...
23. I have one friend that has been my best friend for 22 years. We rarely talk anymore but we will always be there for each other.
24. Sometimes I really miss NY and some of the people there.
25. But then I realize that I really like it here too.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Conflicting Priorities

Today I felt something I hadn't felt in a very long time. Although my priorities have never been exactly where they should be, today I realized just how off they are. Work has somehow made it to the top of my list.

Work. You know, a job. The place where one spends the majority of their life. Where I am from 8-5 Monday through Friday. A something instead of a someone.

Being temp to hire has just naturally done that to me. And the fact that I have no insurance and have some fairly pressing reasons to go to a dentist/doctor doesn't help matters. I'm pushing the limit to get to my 520 hours with the hope that I will be hired full time.

When it comes to decisions about spending time with a friend or co-workers, I've gone the co-worker route because I want to be hired and I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

I understand this is probably very flawed ideology. People are much more important than a job. I know this and I was blessed to be able to work from home and have the time to spend with friends but that is not my current situation. I don't like that I've been this way but it is difficult to see another option. Sure I can do lunch with friends when I am able and meet them after work. I've done some of that but it also takes the little time I have with my hubby away. This is yet a new battle that I'm sure will work itself out or I just grin and bear it for the next 2 months and do the best I can. Either way, my heart is with my husband and my friends, even when my actions don't show it.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

If walls could talk

If walls could talk, I'm sure they'd have a lot to say about me... So allow me to let you enter the real me for a few moments.

Here's what they'd probably say.

1. She tries real hard to keep up with the laundry. It rarely happens.
2. She tries to stay on top of the dishes but with a broken dish washer and a lot of cooking, she rarely succeeds.
3. She loves everything to have a place but when places run out their place becomes the couch or closet.
4. She stresses way too much about things that really don't matter in the long run.
5. She doesn't always enjoy the simple things.

If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm not perfect and I completely struggle with trying to be perfect.

I try to live one day at a time and only be concerned for that day's troubles but when life happens it becomes increasingly impossible.

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone in this. That other people just have it together. But I forget that they're human too and it is rare for someone to have it all together.

So if you find yourself looking around your house wishing you could snap your fingers and have your windows sparkle and floors completely clean... Or that you could clap your hands and all your worries and doubts and struggles would vanish.... You are not alone.

Friday, February 6, 2009

The end of the world as I know it

Things are changing in our household. God is definitely trying to move us in a new direction. We're more than likely going to be moving to a house about 40 minutes from where we live now. I started a new job. My hubby has a couple bites on a new job. There are changes that are so blatantly obvious I didn't even miss them this time.

Of course at this point my fear kicks in. Well what if my car breaks down and I don't have a vehicle to get me to work? Or what if I just can't get up an extra 40 minutes earlier to get to work on time. Or what if it is the wrong decision?

I am constantly plagued with this annoying voice in my head telling me it's NOT going to be okay when I know deep down it will. Change is good and normally I enjoy it and adjust quickly. But resistance is knocking at my door this time.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

The dreaded plateau

I absolutely hate dieting. Somehow even the thought of dieting makes me hungry and that perpetual feeling all while I'm trying to lose weight is enough to put me over the edge.

I work out at Curves and they decided to offer their nutrition program for free. All I had to do was give them three friends' names and I got the book free as well. It seemed like a great idea at the time. I want to lose some weight before the big wedding in 3.5 months and this would give me the accountability I need. Also, I've had a really hard time losing lately. My body just wants to stay at the same weight.

And although I lost 6 pounds the first week the last time I did this diet, pretty sure it was maybe 3 pounds, if that, this week. And....I'm....hungry.... So I'm hoping and praying that the dreaded trend of my body doing everything it can to fight me back and keep the weight it has will go away.

The good side so far...

1. I feel better.
2. I have been able to work out without getting dizzy. (unless I don't drink water but that's just dumb)
3. The area where I never used to gain weight but have been lately is shrinking.
4. My hips are feeling a little tighter (from working out).

Words of Advice...

1. Don't ever start a diet the week before you're going to retain extra water. Your body will hold much of that extra water you're drinking where normally you'd lose it. Those few pounds may be enough to encourage you to stick with the weight loss plan.

2. Don't start working out consistently the same week you start dieting. You can, but again those 2 lbs that turned from fat to muscle don't show up on the scale and you won't see what you've lost. Try to start working out a few weeks before.

3. DON'T decide to start dieting randomly when you've been craving something for a week. I WANT CHOCOLATE CAKE!!! ;) Anytime you see that item or smell it or walk by something similar, you'll crave like crazy.

The good thing about the diet I'm doing is that I don't have to starve myself very long.

It's 1200 calories for 7 days
1500 calories for 21 days
Then the normal 2000 calories for a couple weeks

And if you haven't reached your goal, you start over again. This supposedly helps break the plateaus and boosts your metabolism.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Not Me!

It is Monday and for those of you who frequent MckMama's Blog, you know that that means its "Not Me!" day. I've decided to participate this week and if I can think of more than one or two things, maybe I will make it a weekly or every other week occurance...we'll see!

I have decided from now on, I'm going to purchase the Sunday paper and clip coupons. Of course I wouldn't just clip the coupons and throw the rest of the paper in the trash without even glancing at the headlines. Nor would I leave the coupons in a pile without organizing them until 5 minutes before I wanted to go grocery shopping, a week later. And of course I wouldn't only end up using 3 coupons when I have hundreds... Not me!

I did not only purchase groceries that fit into my new nutrition plan so that my husband would have no choice but to eat healthier with me... I would never...

I didn't forget to lock the file cabinets that are filled with very confidential, personal information at work after being told that that is one of the most important tasks I need to complete each and every day.

I would never yell very mean things at my husband for waking me up when he got home at 5 in the morning after only falling asleep 3 hours earlier. Nor would I outright blame him for my recent inability to fall asleep. I promise, my subconscious can get horrible while I'm sleeping.

If you want to participate or check out the rules, go to MckMama's Blog and link up!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Random Picture Challenge 3.0

4 Little Men and Girly Twins started another random picture challenge. Go to her page and link up if you'd like to join in!

August 2007 photos
Pick the 30th picture
Talk about it

I babysat this little girl A LOT and her parents gave us passes to go to the zoo! It was a blast except her sleepiness set in right when we were cooling off with popsicles and she dropped it all over herself and threw a tantrum. Figures. 

But she was adorable, all the "ooos" and sometimes little screams because something scared her. In the above picture, she was about to chase the geese. 

(People also thought she was my daughter because we look similar. THAT was interesting.)

Friday, January 23, 2009

What if... (I may have tagged you)

Do you ever think about a major decision you had to make and wonder what would have happened if you had chosen differently? Where would that leave you? What would you be doing? 

People will more than likely tell you not to think about past decisions. They will say that it can cause you to have regrets or that you can not change what has happened in the past. But every now and then I like to let my mind wander. Call it unhealthy. Call it crazy. But I can't help it.

I often think about my decision to go to Belmont. I mean, there was really no substance to it. At my new job, many ask why I chose to go to school across the country, why I chose to go to Belmont University. And quite frankly, as much as I have an answer I really have no earthly idea.

I used to have it all figured out, or so I thought. 

Goal. Work for that goal. Achieve that goal. New Goal. Work for that goal. Achieve it. I think you get my drift. That's how we're taught, how our minds are molded from a young age, particularly with school. The goal is to go to Kindergarten and pass. To study, do decent on the test, and pass. Then the next grade and the next test. Goal after goal after goal. 

Then it came time to make my decision about college. I was good at a lot of things and I liked a lot of things and I struggled because I always had a plan and the plan ran out. I didn't know what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. Then an opportunity presented itself for me to go to Belmont and audition. So I did. I freaked out and had a terrible audition but when I stepped on that campus, I felt at home. I knew without any doubt I was supposed to go there. I had one back up school. ONE. And I did well at that audition but it just didn't feel right. 

I just knew where I was meant to be.

But what if... What if I had stayed in NY? What if I hadn't left and decided to go with my back up school? 

I wouldn't have met my husband or married him. I would be much further in debt than I am now because of the tuition/tax/housing/scholarship differences. I wouldn't have been a part of an amazing church here or worked in the music industry in the same capacity as I have over the past few years. I probably never would have found out that Music Row is nothing exciting. It's a bunch of houses and buildings and at the end is this strange naked statue that makes me uncomfortable. I wouldn't have my puppies. I wouldn't have made the horrible decision to live with my best friend and end up destroying a relationship. (Or maybe I would have.) I wouldn't have had to spend 15 months away from the man I love and all the other residuals that came with that. But on the same token I wouldn't have learned and grown and matured through the brokenness that those difficult times provoked.

Sure I would have learned lessons and would have probably grown in other ways, but I have to say that I am still 100% satisfied with my decision and thinking about it doesn't change that.

Thinking about past decisions can help you realize how important that decision was or help you learn from it. I would have spent 4 years in a horrible school, if that was the case, just to meet my hubby. Luckily I got to meet him and had a great college experience.

So I'm going to do some tagging because I am curious. 

Here are the rules.
1. Think about a major decision you have made.
2. Tell your readers why you chose the way you did.
3. Talk about what happened as a result and try to find something positive.
4. Bring up something that would have or wouldn't have happened had you chosen another way.
5. Tag at least 3 people.
6. Link back to the person who tagged you.

I'm tagging...
1. The Mister at The Mister  (creative I know)
2. Pam at The Weber's (not to be confused with Pamela)
3. Pamela at The Dayton Time (not to be confused with Pam)

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Being humbled through the jelloing of my mind

The new job is great. I like the people I work with and the work itself keeps me occupied every second of the day. If you know me, you know this is a good thing because I get bored easily, especially when it comes to jobs. But my mind hurts. I don't think any number of classes could have prepared me for the millions of details in this business.

I am a perfectionist to the very core and typically catch on pretty quick. Making a mistake once is difficult for me to swallow, but making the same mistake twice drives me insane. If I told you how many mistakes I made today,...well, I probably couldn't even count them. I'm learning to admit that I am wrong not once or twice but dozens of times each hour. 

Will it all ever click? 

Who knows, maybe its a good thing for it to not all click because then I will constantly be challenged and not have the opportunity to get bored.

Can anyone relate?

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Stranger on my couch

This morning I peeled myself out of bed around 6:30 a.m. I know I know I shouldn't complain. There are people who get up much earlier in the morning, but I absolutely positively can not handle mornings. I have to set 3 or more alarms. No joke. And you better believe I hit the snooze on each one of them several times.

My poor husband... Once he wakes up, he's pretty much doomed to be awake. And me blasting "Look at the stars, look how they shine for you..." at least 4 times every morning because I don't want to wake up does not help his sleep situation. (Yeah, I know "Yellow" is probably not the best ring tone in the world. I got it a year ago because it was taking forever to find a song I liked. I got impatient and well, that's the only ringtone I have. Maybe someday I'll fix it but probably not.)

So anyway, my husband had an army friend in town this weekend. Don't get me wrong, I love having guests and entertaining, but it was a bit much considering I had a lot of cleaning to catch up on and had just started a new job. And its also VERY akward when you have to get up first thing in the morning and do everything you need to do to get ready in your bathroom.

We're in a one bedroom apartment and the kitchen, living room, and dining room are all in one area and then there's the hall and the bedroom and bathroom on the other side. The "stranger" was on the couch which meant I could not use the living room, kitchen, or dining room. And my hubby was sleeping in the bedroom which meant the only room I had left was the bathroom, the lovely small bathroom equipped with a washer and dryer.

On the positive side, I got ready in record time for the morning because everything was ready and I wasn't able to diddle daddle in another room. I was confined. And I guess one morning of not being able to walk naked through my house if I so choose confinement isn't so bad.

I keep telling myself that I will become a morning person once I have children, because that's what everyone else tells me. But to be completely honest, I really can not see myself ever enjoying mornings.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

One of these days I will beat Pamela to the tagging

Oh yes, I will. And it will be a wonderful day because then she will have no other choice but to blog what I tell her to blog because I have blogged what she has told me to blog.

Anyway, Pamela at The Dayton Time tagged me and since this week consists of a lot of adjusting and ZERO time, this is just what I needed!

The Rules are...
1. Go to your Documents.
2. Go to the 6th File.
3. Click on your 6th picture.
4. Blog about it.
5. Pick 6 friends to do the same.

This is a photo of me at at friend's wedding. It was my first time being in someone's wedding. (Well, I sang for my cousin's wedding, but I guess that doesn't really count.) And big wedding! I'm super excited!

And if you need a meme or a break from your everyday posting, consider yourself tagged. Just let me know if you do so that I can check it out!

Monday, January 12, 2009

How many times can I use the word "brilliant" in one post?

I would love to give you a brilliant post to read filled with entertainment and wit, but my brain is fried. Today was my first day in my new job and back in an office. It was my first day working in a corporate atmosphere.

There was not one moment in my day where my brain was not being exercised. This was/is probably a good thing but my brain is a bit rusty. Can a brain be rusty? I must be tired. 

Oh, but I did experience one very cool thing today, I mean besides the thrill of my first day at my new job. I went to a bagel shop for lunch and there were several handicapped employees who served me. They were brilliant and made me smile. Those working with them were very happy as well. Kudos to the owner/manager of Bagelworks and Perks for supporting and giving opportunity to those brilliant individuals. No really, they are brilliant and sometimes I think they have a better grasp on life and happiness than I ever will. 

Saturday, January 10, 2009

The Random Picture Challenge

I found this on Married to the Military's page but she got it from 4 Little Men and Girly Twins.

Just go into your photos and click on your May folder. Then post the 21st picture. 

Here is mine!

This is at the base about a week after my hubby came home from Iraq. We wanted to greet some of our friends that were coming in. (They typically send them home in several groups.) It's such a relief to have him home and out of the army!

And don't forget to link up!

Small town girl and my two worlds

I grew up in a small town where everyone knew everything about everyone and most of the time what they knew wasn't true. Then, I ventured off to college 4 states away and have managed to stay put for now. I haven't seen, heard, or spoken to most people from my High School. In fact, I can honestly say I talk to 2 and its not typically on a normal basis. 

Tonight I broke that pattern and had the chance to talk to someone I haven't seen in 4.5 years. Its amazing what can happen when you're away that you don't find out about until years after its happened. I generally expect to get wind of any juicy stories because again everyoneknowseverythingabouteveryone in this small town and I still have family and a few friends there. 

Oh yes, and by the way... I apparently do heroin or something. And no I don't really do heroin. I actually have never even picked up a cigarette. But someone told so and so who told someone who proceeded to tell someone else... I think you get the idea. NO I DO NOT NOR WILL I EVER SMOKE OR INJECT THINGS INTO MY BODY WITH NEEDLES thankyouverymuch. Don't you love rumors?

Well anyways... This person that I spoke to has had serious health issues for the past year and a half. She's young, very young and it breaks my heart that she has had to go through so much and that I just really had no idea. I mean these health issues could have taken her life, easily. And I find myself wishing I could be there for her.

Sometimes I also wish I could be there when things go haywire with my family or another friend. I wonder what my purpose is for being where I am right now. Then I realize that if I were back in that small town, I'd want to be there for my friends and adopted family here.

My two worlds are beginning to collide. 

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Staffing Agencies are A-M-A-Z-I-N-G and you will find a job if you're looking

I graduated college a year ago last month. I was blessed to have friends and mentors in my industry and work with and for them this year. But all while I was working with them, I was looking for a job that was fulfilling and made my degree feel worth while. Not that working with them wasn't a great experience. I learned a lot, but I knew it was temporary.

I've applied for a lot of companies, most of which I never heard back from. On top of the job market being horrible and the economy in shambles, the area I live in is way over-saturated with people holding the same degree or no degree and much more experience. It posed a real challenge for me.

I grew up in a small town. I was a big fish in a pond. When I moved to a city filled with hundreds of thousands of people with similar goals as me, I relocated myself to the ocean. (Please forgive the analogy, it's the simplest way to explain the situation.) 

Feeling completely incompetent after working 3 jobs throughout college to pay for a $100,000 education so that you can have good experiences and get a good job, not so great. Rejection = No Fun

After pushing for a particular company for several months, I finally threw in the hat. Putting all your eggs in one basket is not always such a good idea. I really believed that was what I was supposed to do. The company is very well known and has great principles. I really wanted to work there, but their hiring process sucks. I interviewed twice with 2 different divisions. One time I was in the top 3 for the job and the other, they basically told me I was too smart for the position. You'd think they want smart people, right?

Anyway, a good friend of mine works for that company and she tried to help me find a job there. It just wasn't meant to be. The same friend gave me her contact at a staffing agency. I was reluctant to try it for a really long time. "How are these people going to find me a job that I will like? I can do it on my own." Boy oh boy was I wrong. 

I interviewed with the contact last Tuesday, the 30th. I got called about a possible job on Monday the 5th, less than a week. I submitted my resume and heard back within a couple hours. They wanted to interview me. There were a couple random issues thrown in the mix with our interview time/day but we settled in on Wednesday at 1:30. The interview went over an hour and I got a call an hour after that. And now, I have a job. The staffing agency found me a job in one week. 

Now I will say for those thinking about trying out a staffing agency, my case may or may not be rare. It depends on your contact and the agency. But I have to say that my experience has been wonderful and I HIGHLY recommend it. 

Hopefully there will be even more news and clarity on life later today! My hubby has an interview as well!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I have teeth!

Braces came off today!

Interview tomorrow morning!

Spa Day (Christmas gift) on Saturday!

I will post more pictures when blogger decides to let me again! And yes, that is my Christmas tree and no it is not coming down for a little while longer. I didn't get to enjoy the holidays because I was so busy so I'm going to enjoy them now! :) 

I can smile... for the first time in over 20 years!

I love good days

So basically... I lied, but not on purpose! I didn't actually have Jury Duty today, although I won't feel bad if I am dismissed when I go in in March after spending around 2 hours or so there today plus whatever time it takes to interview and call every night to see if my panel is up. Pffshew! That was a long sentence and probably a run on. Sorry Mrs. Buford. You tried to teach me English but alas I am still not perfect. 

Anyway, today is a good day so you'll have to excuse my humor attempt at humor. 

1. The wait was only 1 hr 15 minutes to get my panel selection for jury duty. 
2. I did not have to deal with 100s of very upset people who had to "waste their time" to do their civil duty. The clerks had it the worst. :(
3. I got a call about a potential job opportunity.
4. I got a call saying there was a cancellation this week so I could get my braces off Wednesday at 2:15. 
5. I had fajitas for lunch. (I haven't had a fajita in a LONG time. Mmm)
6. I got a call from the orthodontist's office again saying they had made a mistake with my appt on Wednesday. They didn't have enough time, BUT there is an available appointment tomorrow at 9:45 am! Woohoo!
7. I got another call saying the company selected me for an interview! 
8. I got to talk to an amazing friend. Unfortunately her day was not going so well.
9. I enjoyed the evening with my husband who surprised me with a bar of Dove Chocolate. (The best kind there is in my opinion)

Sunday, January 4, 2009

You MUST try this - Seventh Generation

I live in an apartment and let's just say the shower area is worn and a worn shower means more soap scum and all kinds of gross things that make their home in my shower. It makes me want to wear flip flops in my own shower! Yuck! I've tried varying products including bleach, baking soda, and tub cleaners. Nothing got the gunk off. NOTHING! I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. 

So I'm at Walgreens yesterday and saw a product that was on sale for a dollar and nineteen cents. 1.19 for 32 FL oz of natural cleaning product. They had me. I bought a tile and tub and an all purpose cleaner. I wasn't convinced that it was going to do anything special for me but I thought it was worth a try and since I was out of cleaning product, a dollar nineteen sounded pretty good. 

This morning I sprayed my shower. I walked back 2-3 minutes later and started wiping my shower. All the gunk was loose and came off with little to no scrubbing. Then I thought to myself, "If it loosened junk I had spent months scrubbing, I wonder if it can get the stains from past residents out from in between the tiles?" And what do you know? The grout is white again. Years and years of stains...gone. 

I haven't tried the All-Purpose Cleaner yet, but I am SO tempted to go back to Walgreens and buy 10 more of each product because who can beat that price for something that actually works and won't harm me or my pets? 

It's free of perfumes and dyes, hypo-allergenic, and they tell you exactly what they put in their products. ALL the ingredients are listed on their labels. 

So go to Walgreens while its still on sale and try it!

P.S. If you join their site, there are coupons as well! 

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Let the fun begin

I am told that prior to your wedding or the "big day" many have nightmares. Everything from your husband actually being someone else, your dress tearing, no one showing up, and varying other sorts of madness. 

For some reason I thought I would be exempt from this crazy phenomenon. After all, I'm technically already married and I LOVE the thrill of chaos coming together, love to plan. Well, I guess I was wrong. I just had a dream that nothing was actually done before the wedding. On the day of my wedding I had to find flowers, have my dress finished, make sure the pastor knew he was supposed to marry us, and interrupt someone else's reception to tell the coordinator our food selection. I mean, crazy stuff! So let's just say I am going to be calling some people this week and buckling down on plans because I really don't want to have to do anything but get ready and look pretty on that day. 

Friday, January 2, 2009

Our Happy Tales

You know how most normal people like most puppies? The cute perfect little ones that are plump and healthy? Some feel sorry for the runts, but most choose one of the others in the litter because they are generally strong and healthy. 

Well, we here at our home LOVE puppies but we don't go for the typical "cute perfect" ones, we like the special ones. 

I picked our first little pup from Happy Tales Humane. We had been looking for months and months because well hubby was going to Iraq for 15 months and I needed something to cuddle and keep me company. Humans just don't always do the trick. I walked into Happy Tales on a weekday which is usually slim pickins in the pup department, but when I walked in, this little black pup covered in white flakes wagged her entire body when she saw me. She was darling and picked me. I took her home with me that day. 

What I didn't know at that time was that she was sick, very sick. To make a long story short, I went through heck doing everything I could to keep her alive and try to find a vet that would help. All the vets except one told me to put her down. Bear in mind this is about a month after my husband left. I was not about to give up. After a lot of prayer and the vet that actually cared even giving up, I decided to pull her off her 5 meds and see what happened. She is now one of the healthiest, happiest, most stubborn (where could she possibly have picked that up) pups I've ever seen.*

And the new project??? We were at the puppy park one day when our pup noticed another that looked just like her! (The dog pound is right next to the park and they walk the pound dogs by the park area.) Hubby and I went in and he fell in love with the dog. I was hesitant at first, but agreed to start feeding pup 1 a much less expensive brand of food so we could afford the new one. He's my husband's dog so of course he would pick a name like Jackson. (Hubby has a Civil War obsession.)

Jackson is very "special." He was 9 months when we got him and had clearly been abused. Jack was scared to death of Hubby when we first got him and is still skittish at times. He DOES NOT like men. AT ALL. In fact, if cowering or running away weren't enough, when he gets scared he pees. It is a lovely habit that I usually always have to clean up. This makes training and discipline nearly impossible. BLAH! But like with Rudi, I am determined to make this work. He CAN and WILL be trained. It....just...takes...time.... And such is life. 

* Happy Tales had no idea she was that sick. In fact, because of my situation, they agreed to pay all of her medical bills and medicines. They are AMAZING! 

P.S. I have Jury Duty Monday which will likely initiate some great stories. (At least I hope because I will need to stay entertained somehow.)

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Just add Nutmeg

It has been hit or miss with me and the blog posts lately due to the holidays and my recent discovery that I can survive without my computer! In one way there is A LOT going on and in another, absolutely nothing. 

We rolled out of bed around 10:30 this morning after being out through the wee hours of the night. It was worth it to have my hands gripping the steering wheel of a Cadillac for 15 glorious minutes and for the company of good friends, of course. ;)

This morning I decided to whip up some pancakes and cook them on my new Calphalon griddle. Mmm Mmmm Mmmm. The recipe itself was okay. The pancakes turned out a little thin, BUT they enlightened me to adding nutmeg to the batter. You don't need much. This recipe called for 1/8 tsp but it was just the enabler I needed to consume 10 pancakes as if they were water. It also had butter in the recipe and recommended cooking the pancakes on butter instead of oil. Yum. So use your recipe with nutmeg and fry on butter instead of oil. You'll thank me later. (I hope!)

Now for a HUGE cup of steamy hot chocolate and some cuddle time with the pups and hubby. 

Enjoying it while I can because tomorrow I will need to decrease my hot chocolate intake significantly and be productive and proactive.