Control: My Baby...my plan...

They say you learn that you are not in control after you have your first child. Although I have not yet had my first, I'm getting a small taste of this daunting statement.

I have been incredibly proud of myself throughout my pregnancy. Yes, I want nothing more than to hold my baby in my arms and look into his/her eyes but that has not made me anxious. I've really enjoyed being pregnant. Feeling life inside of me is like nothing I have ever experienced. It's indescribable.

And now I find myself in an entirely different place. I'm 3 days... just 3 days... past my due date and I'm starting to feel a little crazy.

I know that every pregnancy and every baby is different, but I had high hopes that mine would be somewhat similar to my mom's experiences. All 3 of us were at least 3 days early and she only labored for 7 hours with me, her firstborn.

Hey...one can dream, right?

There are few signs, if any, that labor is imminent.

Overall, I feel great, but my hormones are ALL over the place. One minute I can be patient and enjoy being pregnant and the next I'm super depressed and feel like something must be wrong with me or the baby.

At this point my baby isn't even engaged and I may have to be induced.

I'm learning that my plan to have the baby at a certain time and a certain way may not be possible. No matter how much I walk or how many herbs I try, I am not in control.

There is a time and place and plan for the birth of my baby, but it is not in my hands. I am not in control. Maybe if I just say that over and over and over, I'll get it... or maybe I still have a LOT more to learn....

I guess I still have a lot more to learn.

What's in a name?

My husband and I have been contemplating our child's name a lot lately. We've always known what we would name a boy but we just can't decide or agree on a girl's name. I think we'll probably go with a family name from his side but we're still uncertain of a middle name...

Anyway, as much as I want a girl part of me hopes that our first child will be a little boy. With the boy's name, we decided to honor two brave and honorable men who were killed in Iraq. One of them, in particular, was one of the best leaders any of the guys had or had seen. He was one of those people that no one had a bad thing to say about and everyone respected. He was a loving father and husband and somehow he even knew he wouldn't return to his family.

I wish that I had the opportunity to meet him and learn from him.

His wife is an incredible woman as well and she was one of the few who really understood what I was going through while my hubby was gone. Despite her loss she has continued to help many through tragedy and difficult times.

My husband wrote her a letter to tell her that if we had a boy, we would name him after her husband. She was honored and delighted and even messaged me several times to find out if we knew what we were having. :)

I woke up early this morning and by early I mean about 30 minutes before I typically wake up. I'd tell you what time but you'd probably laugh in my face and tell me that's not really early. I'm sure I will finally truly discover early when the baby comes 5 months from now. I have a lot to learn. :)

My plan was to arrive to work before most got there so that I could begin catching up. I hate having projects and tasks lurk over me and there are about 4 hanging there right now. Not only did I arrive early, but I had time to stop and get breakfast. Maybe arising before I absolutely have to isn't such a bad thing?

So today will be filled with work and tonight will be rest. And hopefully I'll have a chance to finish a blog about the baby and maybe start one about the big wedding we had this past weekend.

Wedding crashers, fights, broken toilets... I have some stories for you. :)

Doesn't someone know how to stick people with a needle? And I DO NOT have a disease....

I LOVE my Nurse-Midwife(ves). They are very intelligent and capable women. Some of them even hug me and nearly cried with me the first time I heard my baby's heartbeat. However, their support people need some help. Thus far they have yet to be able to successfully draw my blood.

The First time they tried, the lady chased my vein for a good 3-5 minutes before noticing that the veins on my hand stuck out and she could stick them easily. So.... she did... And she forgot to hold the needle in place so naturally, it jumped right back out and blood went everywhere. She tried again and drew the blood... FINALLY.

Later that week I received a very interesting call from the department of health. They started talking to me about Hepatitis B and if I knew that I had it and knew what to do or expect. Eventually I was able to get a word in and said "HOLD ON, What are you talking about?" I didn't have HepB. I'd had blood work done just recently and nothing like that came back and PLUS I had 3 shots so that I wouldn't get Hepatitis.

It's NOT a good idea to tell a newly pregnant lady that she has a disease.

Long story short, they messed up at the clinic and didn't draw enough blood to prove that the reason Hepatitis was showing up as positive was because I had the immunizations. They also didn't draw blood for other important things they were supposed to check. Needless to say I had to go back and get more blood drawn.

This time was even worse than the first. In fact, I'm pretty sure this lady had never stuck someone in her life. Why was she working there anyway? So she tries to stick me and puts the needle all the way through my vein. Then she kept wondering why my blood was only dripping out. Well, at that point they knew they busted the vein so they kept it there and watched the area swell the size of a baseball. Then they watched my arm turn purple and swell.

Afterwards, I got an ice pack and was told to sit there for a good while to keep the swelling down. I think I was also told I was going to bruise badly. At that point a bruise didn't bother me, but the fact that my arm was swollen and purple wasn't comforting.

After not hearing from them for a week or so I decided to call and find out what I already knew. I did NOT have Hepatitis B. And also, they have to draw blood again because one of the vials clotted. Just lovely. If those people think they are getting a needle within 5 feet of me anytime soon, they have something else coming.

Next Appointment... My first ultrasound.... Thank God it should be just with my nurse-midwife.

The reason I haven't been posting... It's good, I promise

Aside from work, being a wife, chasing 2 pups with soap and water, house hunting, and planning my big wedding, there is a really good explanation as to why I've been MIA lately.

You see, I found out not too long ago that I have a little one growing inside me! Yep, I'm 15 weeks preggers with my first baby! For some of you lucky preggo ladies, you can go about your daily business with little to no interuption. Although I can not say my nausea, heartburn, and migraines have been nearly as bad as some others, they have definitely been a struggle.

I am NOT superwoman as much as I'd like to be and therefore blogging sort of hit the back burner.

BUT now that I've hit my second trimester and I clearly have a few interesting things to talk about, or so I think, I hope to be back more often.

I will be back with a few funny stories of trying to hide the fact that I was nauseated for several weeks from my coworkers. Oh was it ever interesting.

Outlet

It's been a while... too long in fact and although I'd like to say I still think about blogging every day, I wouldn't be telling the truth. Life has become too busy and chaotic. But when I do think of it, I remember what fun it is to share my thoughts and dreams or to just attempt to make someone smile.

I will share more about the craziness that has ensued shortly... like within the month. And hopefully I will be back to post a little more regularly but for today I just need to use this as an outlet.

Last night I had one of those dreams... Those heart wrenching horrible, scary dreams that linger. When you wake up it feels real and its nearly impossible to shake. I wish I could make it go away right now although I know eventually it will.

My father, although a great man, is far from perfect and he's having a rough time right now. It affects the family more than he realizes, even from far away. But to dream that he passed on is too much for me to handle right now. There is too much unforgiveness and uncertainty surrounding him. I was hysterical in my dream and I awoke to feeling like I balled my eyes out all night. Hopefully this will soon go away but in the mean time, I'm debating on whether or not I should have a good talk with him...

Reason number 592 I should not live in an apartment

Yesterday I came home from work to find a note on my door that said maintenance would be entering our apartment to install this this and this. Normally this is okay because normally they give you at least a week's notice. Not this time. The day they start entering apartments is today. Not okay.