God and HIS awesomeness

I have been in this no direction, no focus funk lately. It really started to get to me this past week. But after a few people kicked me in the butt, I snapped out of it the best I could. Yesterday I spent time in the word and prayer. I listened to a message from Chip Ingram, an amazing Christian speaker/pastor. You know, one of the ones that God always uses at the right time to shake you up. 

Yesterday was a fairly productive, okay day. This morning was what really baffled me! We finally got a paycheck we've been waiting on for 3 weeks. (Long story) Then, as I was emailing the director of HR at the company I really want to work for, he emailed me saying that he wanted to interview me! 

Moral of the story is... Don't doubt God. Stay grounded in Him or you will fall. And remember that the world is much bigger than your story. You play a very small but important part of a VERY VERY big picture. 

I just plain love him

Despite the fact that Ben and I are making a lot of adjustments and going through a lot of changes, I just love him. I'm not always the most pleasant person, especially from 6-8 in the morning ;), but he still puts up with me. No matter how hard things get or how much we clash, I will always love him. 

Friend

Okay. Since I prefaced this earlier, I thought I should elaborate slightly. The friend that I referred to in my previous post is fabulous. I admire her so much and really aspire to be like her. Is that creepy? Okay... In the sense that she has babies and is a great mom. She cooks for them and doesn't just get take out every day. She uses cloth diapers and cans her food. She bakes bread and people purchase it from her. So she's not perfect... But she is a great person, mom, wife, and friend. 

AND... she is expecting baby number 4!!! I am so happy for her. 

Her hubby isn't so bad either. ;) He is a sound engineer which gives us plenty to talk about. (One of the few people in western NY that gets music biz lingo.) He works very hard to provide for his growing family! 

Learn more about them by checking out their blogs...

Friend

Friend's hubby

Dealing

Everyone has their own way of dealing with a busy week or a bad day. Mine tends to fluctuate but it usually involves food. Back in high school, I was involved in a lot of stuff. A lot of stuff = A LOT of pressure + No time for me. My senior year was a nightmare because I was about to move far away and mom and I just couldn't connect. 

                                    **************

I am blessed with an amazing friend who was/is very supportive. I don't even remember how we connected really. She was the music director for one of our musicals and taught me voice lessons. Whenever things went really bad, Pamela (not to be confused with the nickname "Pam," she hates that) invited me over for chocolate cake and milk or coffee. If you know her, you already know she is an AMAZING cook and she can make a mean chocolate cake. Our 1 or 2 hour conversations over cake and coffee were fabulous and they always made things better. 

Since then, I crave a good chocolate cake when I've had a rough week. So this weekend, for various reasons, Ben and I threw the diet out the window. I made a chocolate cake and we put a nice dent in it last night. (Okay, actually I put a HUGE dent in it when I dropped it on the counter. GRRRR. But I managed to save half.) I will post the recipe on my other page. It is THE most moist chocolate cake I have found. I also came up with a pretty amazing frosting for it last night as well. 

Moving on...

Have you ever been so hurt by someone or something that it cripples you?
It makes you feel, think, and say things you never thought possible. I've been hurt before, many times actually. But for some reason a certain situation scarred me worse than ever. They say the people you are closest to are the ones that hurt you the most and the older I get, the more I realize the truth in that statement. I've let it linger for a long time and I am putting it to an end. Although I feel I have no control over those feelings, I am going to do my best to put it behind me and start fresh. Normally I want to deal with situations like this head on and get them over. I don't like confrontation, but lingering bad feelings are much worse. This time I am leaving the past in the past. It's over and I don't want to think about it any more. I don't want to bring it up. I want the chance for the new and exciting to happen and that can't happen with this in my way.

I tend to enjoy challenging people so this is my challenge. Find that thing in your life that lingers and is out of your control. Then let it go. Move on. Start fresh. Easier said than done, but most things in life are that way.

A bump in the road

Just when you think everything is going okay, God puts a bump in the road.
Ever had this happen to you?

Well, things were going okay. Ben got a job that he is fairly happy with, I am getting used to working from home, and things were starting to settle down a bit.

*BUMP*

We were supposed to get Ben's next to last paycheck deposited in the bank today. Mind you, we have bills in the middle of the month and Ben has a ticket to deal with tomorrow. (Pray that they show mercy on him.) So we are relying on this check. Ben doesn't start work until next Wednesday. Money is low. We're checking the account all day wondering where the money was and why it wasn't in our account. Apparently the army neglected to tell Ben that they like to hold the money for a month after your terminal leave. But at the same time you should have it when you get out. Ben's out date was the 13th so we're confused. Needless to say, SURPRISE, "you don't get the money we told you you'd have." Which of course means we are scrambling to find money ummm no where? It happens. This I know.

So I will probably be impossible to find or get ahold of for the next couple of weeks. I am taking whatever babysitting jobs I possibly can, working countless hours for my two clients, trying to get another interview with the company I want to work for, and trying to keep my apartment in decent shape.

I have to say that although I did naturally freak a bit at first, God quickly distracted me by opening a job that would fit me to the tee. I applied for it and emailed everyone I knew to email. Please keep that in your prayers as well.

I have so much to say, so much to explain as I lie in my bed pondering my current predicament. It is nothing compared to that of others who are struggling. Nor does it compare to the many other struggles in my life, but I can not seem to break through or get it out of my mind. You see, for the past few years I have been missing something in my life. Something that really sort of defined me since I was 3 years old.

I live in a town filled with music. I can not go to a restaurant without seeing an artist perform. I can't walk down the streets of Nashville without being surrounded by the sounds of dozens of people singing their hearts out, drunk or not but mostly drunk. Music is EVERYWHERE. I breathe it in, hear it, see it, even smell it, but somehow I am not a part of it. I am distanced. 

I thought that by being a part of the music industry, I'd be fulfilling my dream of being involved with music. I thought that singing in front of church with the worship team and taking a few more semesters of voice lessons would be enough, but its not. I settled. 

(Why isn't this enough? Where do I go from here? Do I need to be part of a choir? Do I need to go back to school? What do I do? There are so many questions running through my head.)

Back in high school I was involved with everything. On the music end alone I was in band, chorus, all county, musical theatre, marching band, drama classes, and a bunch of other random music related groups. Not only that but I held positions in many of them, from treasurer to president. It was crazy, but I was living through music. 

I can communicate through music in ways I could never communicate with words. When I sing I feel as though I am able to truly express myself and be vulnerable. I may not have the best voice in the world, but I learned that it doesn't matter as long as I am able to use it. I'm not the best with words, but with song and voice I feel as though I can truly connect with people. 

So what do I do? I don't want to be a famous singer or anything. I just want to be able to express myself the way I used to and maybe help others who are also passionate about music use the voice God gave them. 

I am pondering, praying,...

Faith in mankind

It has come to my attention that the ability for one to actually do their job and do it right is becoming increasingly rare. We have to rely on a LOT of people for things we need. Everything from physicians being knowledgeable to food getting to our grocery stores. There are a lot of occupations where if one person doesn't do their job right, many people suffer. 

I have had to miss 3 dermatologist appointments because the person who does my referrals for my doctor did not respond to my call (although they are required to call back within 24 hours), did not do the referral, and then did the referral to the wrong doctor. I hate canceling and I have had to do it 3 times! Of course me being the guilt ridden person I am, I feel like crap. I understand that my insurance company is a pain in the rear to deal with and you hate dealing with them, but it is your JOB. There are plenty of other ones out there... 

Also, I have had to manage a lot of projects lately. Meaning I have to make sure everyone else does their job. I never thought it would be THAT difficult to get people to do their jobs. 

I am seriously distraught, distressed, and fed up. I generally have a Theory Y outlook. I think the best of people and trust them. It's getting very difficult to maintain that these days.