Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I have so much to say, so much to explain as I lie in my bed pondering my current predicament. It is nothing compared to that of others who are struggling. Nor does it compare to the many other struggles in my life, but I can not seem to break through or get it out of my mind. You see, for the past few years I have been missing something in my life. Something that really sort of defined me since I was 3 years old.

I live in a town filled with music. I can not go to a restaurant without seeing an artist perform. I can't walk down the streets of Nashville without being surrounded by the sounds of dozens of people singing their hearts out, drunk or not but mostly drunk. Music is EVERYWHERE. I breathe it in, hear it, see it, even smell it, but somehow I am not a part of it. I am distanced. 

I thought that by being a part of the music industry, I'd be fulfilling my dream of being involved with music. I thought that singing in front of church with the worship team and taking a few more semesters of voice lessons would be enough, but its not. I settled. 

(Why isn't this enough? Where do I go from here? Do I need to be part of a choir? Do I need to go back to school? What do I do? There are so many questions running through my head.)

Back in high school I was involved with everything. On the music end alone I was in band, chorus, all county, musical theatre, marching band, drama classes, and a bunch of other random music related groups. Not only that but I held positions in many of them, from treasurer to president. It was crazy, but I was living through music. 

I can communicate through music in ways I could never communicate with words. When I sing I feel as though I am able to truly express myself and be vulnerable. I may not have the best voice in the world, but I learned that it doesn't matter as long as I am able to use it. I'm not the best with words, but with song and voice I feel as though I can truly connect with people. 

So what do I do? I don't want to be a famous singer or anything. I just want to be able to express myself the way I used to and maybe help others who are also passionate about music use the voice God gave them. 

I am pondering, praying,...

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